To have a harmonious relationship, we need to find a way to cultivate harmony while evolving together through life changes. This is unconditional love, which is like the concept of alignment to self.
Here are a list of most important keys or tips for cultivating unconditional love in your relationships.
Step one, Cultivates unconditional love instead of attachment.
Understanding the difference within falling in love or being in love and attachment is really critical here. Unconditional love is the state of being purely, positively focused in an attitude of appreciation for something that we’re paying attention to. This means, right now, I’m purely focused on that which I enjoy looking at, relative to you.
That’s much different from attachment, which is the need for another person. meaning, you fulfill some of my needs, which I don’t feel able of fulfilling for myself in order for me to feel a void, when you’re not around; because the absence of you, means that need will be unfulfilled. And thus, my happiness is dependent on what you do and don’t. This is attachment, not unconditional love. To lead lead happier lives, it’s necessary to get into unconditional love and provide our needs for ourselves. This is a practice for anyone, no matter how involved we think we are, we still got more to go when it comes to unconditional love.
On the other hand, it’s not unconditionally loving our self if we choose to stay in an unfulfilled relationship with people who harm us, or who we don’t feel happy around, just for the sake of learning how to unconditionally love. In fact, we need to get to a place where our love and our happiness is not conditional upon what other people do or don’t.
All spiritual practice is dedicated towards, discovering how to unconditionally love everything you do that, gets you more happiness and brings you more peace. Everything that any spiritual self-help person is going to teach you, it’s going to help you come into contact with learning how to unconditionally love.
Tip number two, Cultivate love for yourself.
Your relationships are nothing more than a mirror of the relationship you have with yourself. It is impossible for you to be in any relationship that is not an exact mirror of some aspect of your relationship with you. So, if you improve the relationship with you, all of your relationships externally are going to change to match that new improved state of attitude that you hold towards yourself.
Therefore, if you want to start having better relationships, you’ve got to start thinking thoughts, saying things, and taking actions which are in alignment with self love and in alignment with your highest good. At the heart of every major relationship problem is a problem between you and yourself. In fact, when self concept is damaged, your relationships be sure of, is damaged as well and nothing works faster to improve your relationships, than improving your quality and quantity of love for yourself.
Tip number three, Work to discover and to release your fears related to relationships.
Fear is at the heart of every damages in relationship or your life experience in general, and there is no human being incarnated on this planet, that does not have some kind of fear relative to relationships and love. There is an actual biological reason why. Humans’ are born with no way of meeting their needs in the first few months of life, and so, our survival is entirely dependent on our care givers and specially on they loving us.
The first thing we learn in our lives is, if our care givers do not love us, our needs will not be met, hence, we might die. Because of this, it becomes very important that we do anything we can, to get loved because our brain, which is of course, the organ in charge of our survival, equates love to survival. The sympathetic nervous system is in charge of our survival response. When it’s triggered, Fight-Flight-Freeze Response is enhanced when it perceives danger. It enables us to jump out of the situation in a split second, as opposed to using a more rational processes to assess whether something is in fact a danger to us. So, what does this mean for human’s love?
Since humans associate love to survival, when we feel as if we loose love from someone, suddenly our survival mechanisms are triggered, thus, our primitive brain. Our primitive brain being in charge of our behaviors and actions, we can no longer remain rational relative to whatever we want love from. Our evolution has primed us to act for survival before we act for logic; when we feel threatened with the possibility of losing love, our bodies react as if our survival is being threatened, in other words, when it seems as if we can lose love, we react in similar ways to how we would react if we were being held under water. Hence, discovering and releasing our fears is totally essential when it comes to learning how to have good relationships and how to unconditionally love. Becoming aware of our fears is the first step, thinking better thoughts relative to our fears is the second step.
Tip number four. Communicate completely.
You can’t be in a successful relationship and withhold any aspect of yourself. That’s like, expecting somebody to love someone who isn’t present in the room. Communication is key in relationships. You’ll only meet somebody’s needs and wants if, you know how someone is feeling, and even what are her or his nonnegotiable needs to be joyously in the relationship. Learning how to express the complete truth of how we are feeling to our partner, as well as our self is necessary to better support.
Tip number five, stay on in page, our relationships are meant to inspire us towards preferences, new desires, or new things we want. Any relation you get in, will birth to new desires for relationships within you, and your happiness on this planet depend upon, you keeping up with those new desires, and you finding alignment with them and allowing them to be in your experience. This means, you can’t stay in a relationship and be happy unless the relationship molds to match your new desires or unless the relationship itself is the thing that is evolving. So, keeping our relationship together long term is really conditional to those relationships becoming the new things we desire or fulfilling us; this is true for everyone involved in the relationship.
Tip number six, do not get specific about who you want to be in a relationship with.
When you’re thinking about the things you want, the way you want to feel or when you are imagining what you want, it’s important to think about the feeling space of being the perfect partner. You don’t want to think about the who, because thinking about the who makes it limited, so that the Universe or God can only operate through that who. It now has to exclude the rest of its resources and only include this amount and bring you what you’ve asked for through the venue of that one person. When you ask the God / universe to provide you with a partner that feels amazing to be around, this amplifies the best aspect of who you are. God or the universe has 7 billion people to work with to present the one compatible to your desire.
Tip number seven, start to recognize and heal your love Patterns from your shadows; People tend to find love and life situations, which mirror their first expectation of love. Your first expectation of how love should look and feel, is your home environment. So, if you had a healthy situation in your upbringing relative to love, you’re very likely to continues to find yourself in the same circumstances.
Hence, many of abused women or men continue to find abusive partners. Once when reached a certain age were, they’ll be getting to date, they find people and friends that mirror the relationships they had, when they were children with the first people which they came to love. Good news, if you had a super healthy up bringing; not so good, if your upbringing was not so great. That sort of love relationship set you up for an expectation in all of the rest of your relationships. In fact, you are primarily reincarnating the parent relationship that you’ve had, which was the least satisfying in terms of love, the parents you crave love from. So, if you had a parent or care giver, one of your primary relationship that you felt you did not get the kind of love you needed from, you will continue to try to reincarnate that over and over again; because your brain is a self healing mechanism. It will try to get the kind of love that it needed from the kind of person that it thinks it needs it from.
So, for example, if I didn’t get the love I needed from daddy, I’m going to keep trying to find men like daddy and get the kind of love from them that I needed as a child, and by doing so, I will have solved my relationship with daddy. That’s what our brains is trying to do here. I want to give you an example from a client of mine. Most women who have been through traumatic situations as children will love to reincarnate an abuser. Her situation was a little bit different because her abuser was not her parents, it was someone outside of her family. And the love she didn’t get primarily from her father, was the love a kid could call protection. So, as she had an incredibly passive father, she didn’t feel protected and therefore loved by her father, so what did she do in relationships? She find men who are super, super passive and then, try to manufacture all kinds of situations that make it look like she need rescue because, subconsciously, she is trying to find someone like her dad, to rescue her, and by that, some part of her childhood feel like daddy rescued her, which is what she always wanted, relative to love in her childhood.
Tip number eight, what to change? The decisions that you’ve made based on experiences that you’ve had, as well as the actions of those decisions cause you to carry out. Those are actually your limiting beliefs to welcome or sustain loving relations. To do this, you want to:
- Think about the situation that wounded you,
- What decision did you made about love based on those experience.
- What choices and actions are you taking in your daily life because of those decisions.
That’s the belief you want to start to change, but you also want to look in your life, ways that you have been taking actions in accordance with those belief, so that you release them by being conscious of the actions to change moving forward.
Tip number nine, ask for what you want and need.
Asking for what we want, and need is to ensure that we’re not starved emotionally in our relationships. It’s important not to expect other to know exactly what we want and need. That’s not kind of ourselves or them. People want to love us. They just don’t know how; and unless we tell them what we want and need, we’re just going to build a lot of resentment relative to relationships. That’s a key to having a court open relationship, where we care more about staying together, than we care about being happy; hence, either way one or both of us will eventually stray, and find some other way to meet those needs and wants, if they’re not coming through the relationship itself.
Tip 10, Feed people love every single day, by feeding them A’s.
- Attention, find time each day to give them a bit time of your undivided attention.
- Affection, find time each to show them a little bit of affection.
- Appreciation find time each day to give them some verbal gratitude, or some kind of verbal validation.
These three A’s are how to feed a relationship with love daily. If you want more about how to express love, Look up for my next article on Love Languages…
Much love to you and marvelous week ahead.